Different

Once upon a time, I had one baby, my firstborn. At nine months, she still wasn’t sleeping through the night and the lack of sleep combined with the stress of returning to work part-time drove my mind into suffocating and deep waters of anxiety, sorrow, and yes, even a bit of anger and resentment over those circumstances. I remember how my husband paced the hall with her during the wee hours so that I could get at least an hour of sleep. I remember utterly failing to be the kind of mother I most wanted to be.

When I’m lacking sleep, my mind is mush. And when my eyes are solely upon my own needs and wants, my heart is mush. And when there’s a lot of mush, my decisions and choices are not the best (like, feeling compelled to return to a classroom of five year olds rather than stay home with my baby). And when my choices aren’t the best, everything is mush, and I am drained of energy. That’s the circular route I was taking, and the tracks were well-worn.

One Sunday I boldly sought out a woman I knew nothing about except that she was a mother of eight, which was rather strange to me. But I figured she must know something about getting babies to sleep. She graciously helped me, and all of my babies (nine of them this side of heaven) have slept since. Well…almost…I’m still working on this little guy. He’s keeping me humble 🙂

But now I am the strange one, that homeschooling mom in the big van with the Jesus sticker (it came with the van!) with lots of people in it. That mom currently changing diapers for the twentieth year in a row, still picking up dried macaroni on the floor and singing Raffi songs. That breastfeeding, granola-crunchy, natural-gray-haired, fiber-paint-artist, make-the-food-from-scratch, downsizing-upsizing, podcasting, blogging mom.

I’m also the mom who will smile at you if you are wrangling your screaming tots into the grocery cart and tell you outright, “You’re doing great, Mama. Nap time awaits!” And yet I still get frustrated by the bickering, spilt milk, and torn clothing at home. I’m the mom who loves my family, my husband, and my household tasks, but who also longs to do something Important, Useful, Beautiful and Lucrative. And yes, I know I already do all of those things (sorta kinda in a broad sense), but I long for other dreams at times, so I try to pursue my creative side, my inner world, too. In my spare time (grin).

Mothering today is different from what I remember as a child. It seems more lonely, even with the “connection” of social media. So I’m also, quite deeply, the mom a little zealous of encouraging women in their lives under Christ, even while failing miserably in my unrealistic and extravagant aspirations to live a life holy unto the Lord. I still fail daily. That keeps me humble, too.

I want you to know that I know. Mothering is hard. But someday you’ll be twenty years ahead of that little baby causing your brain to be a little loopy and you’ll wonder whatever happened to the years between. And if you keep your children close and start doing stuff like soaking your grains for homemade bread baking, you’ll also be the strange one, and maybe some young mom will seek you out for help.

Take courage to be that different mom. Take a moment to ask for help, or to give it. Take one day at a time. Take those wee hands in yours and kiss those sweet fat cheeks. Take a nap. Take a turn on the swing. I don’t know any mother who feels like she parents perfectly, but the ones I know with the most joy depend on their perfect heavenly Father to fill in the gaps, and they ultimately trust their children to Him.

Even if, perhaps especially when, they’re tired 😉

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