“How often in a week, are we diverting ourselves, with our children in our houses? There they stand before us; There is nothing to hinder our saying some very profitable thing for them to think upon; well, can you let nothing fall upon them, that it will be worth their while, for them to think upon?”
Cotton Mather
Apparently, inattentiveness to people in our immediate space isn’t something new. I do wonder what it was that distracted us from our children back in the late 1600’s that caused Mr. Mather such angst, however. Certainly it wasn’t the internet. It wasn’t even the fun and games of electricity. And yet apparently even then we had nothing much to say of great profit to the children in our household due to some kind of distraction(s).
Absence is a sore reality. Many people are lonesome, even within their own homes. However, we know God setteth the solitary in families (Psalms 68:6) so absence within the family ought not to be.
It’s difficult not to be absent in one way or another. That’s not to say a bit of privacy isn’t welcome or needed on occasion. The error, I believe, is one of habitual absence, of which are a few kinds I can think of.
One, there is physical absence. A family that is apart for most of its waking hours is by nature unable to interact with one another through the long and sometimes difficult hours of work that needs to be done in a household. All of those interactions–those conversations–do not happen simply because they cannot. The ongoing physical absence of any parent for any reason further complicates relationship.
Two, there is emotional absence. Perhaps a parent is afraid to engage lest he or she makes a grievous error. Or there is a history of breaches in their own upbringing and loving modeling wasn’t there. Fear of failure, fear of conflict, or a general disinterest in the hard labor of childrearing may come into play as well. But the child feels a push away when every request for an audience or a desire to help (even though the “help” is not always helpful) is met with “not now” or “go play”.
Three, there is mental absence. When a mother or father does not give attention to their child, many others are more than happy to fill in the gap: teachers, culture, news media, peers, books, video gaming, social media, pornography, cults, Google, et cetera. All come with their own bias and worldviews which, even if the parent agrees with and is happy to have tutelage occurring, isn’t coming from the parent him or herself. So the child attaches to who or what will spend time with him or herself and generally ends up considering the parent irrelevant.
Again, it ought not to be. These unique children made in the image and reflection of God are a privilege and honor to interact with in the very limited time we have with them. But most of the time, witnessed even in the late 1600’s, we don’t really believe that. Instead, we are more inclined to be diverted to an easier, more shallow relationship: don’t bug me, and I won’t bug you. Also known as: if you don’t sin against me, I’ll like you more. Or: it’s ok if you’re consumed with (your smartphone/friends/TV…) because that lets me give my best to (my career/Facebook/fitness…).
Trying to do anything together can be messy because sinners are involved. One is immature, the other stubborn. One is impulsive, the other controlling. One is tired, the other is bouncing off the walls. Or one is slow and methodical, and the other bold and risk-taking. It doesn’t matter if we’re talking about building a table, baking cookies, or understanding a math problem: it will be hard. It’s easier to be absent one from another.
Test yourself in this:
Ask your child or spouse if you spend too much time (on the phone/watching Netflix/doing a hobby/reading…). Do you sense a hesitation from them in answering, like you won’t like their answer?
When your child wants to speak to you, do you stop (typing/mopping/texting…), look him or her in the eye, and get down on their level (assuming they haven’t grown taller than you by now)? Or do they feel like they are always “interrupting” you (from whatever)?
How much waking time do you have during the day with (your spouse/child)? Of that, how much concentrated time do you have one-on-one?
What do you want to really say/teach/model for your children? At the end of your life, looking back, at the rate you are doing right now, will you have said/taught/modeled it?
Cotton Mather’s rebuke is, unfortunately, still timely after four hundred years. Thankfully, God’s mercies are new every morning, and if we are still breathing, we have time to make amends to our children.
James 5:16 says, “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”
As always, it is God’s work through repentance and humility that heals. If there is a sense of absence in your home, there are two potential actions that may be helpful:
1. Deal with the hinderance. Addicted to your smartphone? Get rid of it for a season (or forever). Can’t stop working late nights? Look for a different job, perhaps one your child can participate in. Get Biblical counseling if you feel the weight of sin preventing a better relationship with your child. Whatever it is, label the hinderance and deal with it.
And, or…
2. Begin to invite and involve your child into your business, whether it is knitting, paying bills, doing housework or taking out the garbage. Yes, it’s messier and a whole lot slower. And of course, you will have to gauge if that business is indeed “profitable”. For example, if you’re addicted to Twitter, I’m not sure inviting your child to partake in that with you is going to lead to eternal fruit. If your hobby causes you to sin, put it to death (Matthew 5:30).
And eternal fruit is the point, isn’t it? If it isn’t, we are sorely lacking in wisdom and more wretched than we dare to believe. Let us not say with our mouths how much we love our families and yet forsake the great and vapor-like opportunities to do things in love with them, fully present in our hearts and minds while we have favorable time to do them.
Writing to myself and to whomever else it applies,
Wow! So much here to ponder! I love that they dealt with such things in the 1600’s!! The problem really is us, isn’t it? And just like you said it’s harder to be involved! Thank you, it helped me see it wasn’t just me that struggles to make things work when doing things with the children. And that just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s not 100% worth it!! Thanks for the encouragement Kari Mae!
Yes, well said! “The problem really is us” Thankfully, Jesus is the same yesterday (like the 1600’s!), today and forever, and His grace is sufficient even now 🙂