We’ve been here six months now and we are still getting settled into our downsized home. Today we created a list of things we still needed to do around here: updating the septic system (to get water out), reviewing and probably replacing the water pump (to get water in), and so forth. And so on. And more. In one sense, it feels manageable, just to take one issue at a time. On another, it feels uncertain. We keep having to remind ourselves the *why* and *because*.
I just wish I could stop thinking about the *what if*.
Do you ever get stuck there? In the *what if*? What if I make the wrong decision? What if I make no decision at all? Is making no decision a decision in itself? What if we did nothing? What if we did everything? What if we fail? What if…maybe worse…we succeed beyond our wildest imaginations and then beat ourselves with wet noodles for the rest of our lives for the fear we harbored that hindered us from doing that thing sooner? What if it’s too late?
I hate “what if”. I want certainty. I want the output to exceed the input and, quite frankly, to grow old in wisdom born not out of my own errors but in the careful observation of yours.
It’s not mine to have. All I have is promise, and the promise is this:
Genesis 8:22 While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease.
I’m promised seasons and a sun that rotates. Someday I’m going to die and the sky will still blush blue and dandelions will still blow in the wind. All I know is that in this life I’m going to walk with a lot of uncertainty and a certain dimness of clarity about a whole lot of things.
But if I can pay attention, I can look carefully under my feet and see bulbs coming up. Spring is coming. Despite me.
And, maybe, if I can remember that my life is a vapor and that my goals and dreams and plans and desires are really just there to ultimately give the glory to my Maker…maybe I can praise Him for the blooms He does allow me to see. Even if they look a little chewed up.
Don’t get so caught up in the “what if” that you miss the “what IS”. God promises His faithfulness to the seasons. Through the years, through all of your wins and loses, won’t He grow you, too? Regardless of where your decisions take you?
Blessings,
Thanks for sharing. I am so ready to stop living in the state of “what if.” I am attempting to learn to fully trust God and where He is leading me, and trusting the husband He provided as my leader. I am blessed by your blog and I have been for several years now, since I stumbled across something you had written for New Harvest Homestead. I may not always have time to comment but I want you to know that your work is appreciated.
Thank you very much, Melanie. Wasn’t that a lovely publication? I sure enjoyed the community we had in NHH!