The Quest for Thornlessness

Psalms 68:19 Blessed be the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits, even the God of our salvation. Selah.

I miss writing. I really do. There are a lot of things I like to dabble in and do, but the only thing I really enjoy doing is writing. Even though it seems that my podcast is even more popular than my blog (thank you for listening!), I’d rather write you all a letter than sit in front of a microphone. Which isn’t bad, just different, y’know? The subject at hand for podcasting is always too long for a blog post. In any case, all day long the ideas, the phrases, the outlines form in my head. But unless I jot them down *poof* away they go. I’ve gotten too spoiled to use a pencil and now just wait for computer time. And when it comes, it is short. It’s like getting a mac truck going down the highway, setting it to cruise, and then *road construction* it is stop-start-stop. The Lord knows this. For some reason, I need to let this drive to write go, too.

I’m reading Disciplines of a Godly Woman. It is so good. I don’t mean “SO good” like “ya gotta read this best seller!” I mean “so GOOOOOD” like “it’s just the words I need from a woman sweet and humble enough to share her insight.” This book is re-setting my priorities. Each section, each chapter is a thoughtful exhortation and reminder to put first things first. Like prayer. Like worship. Like contentment and perseverance. I’m reminded that my life is NOT about what makes me happy, but about what the Lord–the God who gave me life and who redeemed me from my sin–wants from me. Like character. Like meekness. Like submission, obedience, a nurturing heart and an open mouth to tell others about Him. What does it matter if I get to do what I like if it means missing out on the work He wants to do in me?

Meekness is a hard road. Some days I feel wronged and misunderstood. Some days I know I am wronged. But what do I have, really? My self-righteousness (feeling like I’m a “good person”)? My morals (feeling like others fall short of my standards)? I’ve been working through The Quest for Meekness and Quietness of Spirit. I’m not sharing this because I’m humble enough to (ha) but because I long for that quietness in every moment. I don’t wish to be irked or irritated or provoked anymore. By anyone. Ever. Is that even possible? I do not know. But God is allowing plenty of opportunities in my life to choose the path of snippiness or humility. I want to be by His feet at all times, but sometimes it grieves my haughty spirit to do so. Sometimes the digging out of the thorns of self-righteousness hurts. It just seems better to let them stay there. But I want more of God, and He wants more of me to look like Him. Thornless.

In the midst of these things, the morning sun still continues to show up. What a mercy to have another day, again and again. The air just tastes sweet. Cleaned up from yesterday’s garbage. I never know what the day will bring. Naptime and cuddles? A sold house? A trip to the ER? It is a blessing to just wake up in my bed, to whisper “thank you” to Jesus for another day.

I’m in the barn in the mornings, milking my friend’s goat. It is pleasant. I love the smell of fresh hay and fresh shavings on the floor. I love getting milk for my own family. There is work involved; sometimes I have to (er, lovingly) shove her against the wall and hold her there when she is impatient and wants to be done. Sometimes I am too tired to go out in the morning. And sometimes the mosquitos are annoying. But do I really deserve better? I deserve nothing. It is all a gift, including the milk.

Part of fall-out from not writing is looking for other things to do with my hands. Well, why not learn to create a basket? I know I could buy one for a buck at the dollar store, but it’s not the same as playing with reeds and learning the rhythms of weaving. Maybe I’ll love making them. Or maybe this will be the only one! I will tell you that in doing these things, I have a much greater appreciation and respect for others that do them. Have you ever mocked or carelessly thrown away a handmade gift? If so, you threw away their time and love, something that is precious. It’s good to be careful with the souls of others, to show them gratitude, love, acceptance for their efforts. Even if you do not keep the gift.

I am pretty proud of myself (is that self-righteous?) for knitting my first pair of socks! Yes, the toe is wrong and I’ll have to take it out and redo it (someday I’ll thank my friend for that), but the idea of knitting a pair of socks is so wonderful to me! And they feel so good! I’ve already gone out and bought the next skein of yarn for pair number two. On another level, I spun my first ball of merino-silk yarn, and want to make a hat with that. I’m such a fiber and fabric crazy-woman. I also have a stash of lovely red fabric just waiting for my next quilt; a red and white something-or-other. And another dear friend is teaching me to read patterns and to sew. Such lovely people in my life.

I am homemaking and homeschooling six children besides these things. Sometimes I just can’t believe my life, I am so thankful. My children are with me, all day long. To some moms that may sound like a curse (for the mom), or perhaps a horrible situation (for the children). I just am sad for them (is that self-righteous?). Building relationship and character are so important. We have a nation full of independently minded whiners who expect to get all the entertainment and goodies they “deserve” just for breathing. I’d rather build a nation of inter-dependent families members who work hard and are grateful for anything they get, including the air they breathe. Staying at home, doing laundry, teaching my own children how to read….small pebbles for the future big ripples. God’s grace is abundant in gifting me this life.

So that is where my little speck-of-dust-in-the-sandy-beaches life has been lately. I can tell you that some days my little “happy home” wears me down and I am tired. That is when I am most at risk to cultivate a pity party and rehash the wrongs others have brought upon me or to pitch a fit about why things aren’t the way I want them. I don’t think anyone’s home is perfectly happy all the time. The question is not how happy is your home; it is….what is God teaching through this trial or that event or from the words of that person? What fruit is He seeking from you and from me in the midst of daily-ness? And, are we willing to lay down our lives to give Him His due: glory, worship, honor?

It is worth it. He is worthy. Pull out the thorns, Lord.

Blessings,