Together is Better

Last Saturday my very wonderful husband took all six children out for the day so that I could have a day to just think and plan and prepare and rest. I needed to redo our schedule and reassign chores and, basically, just make the world stop for a little bit so that I could see the big picture again.

It was hard to step over the laundry on the floor to give priority to mental work. But I knew if I didn’t focus, the only quiet time I’d get to think on things would be close to 10 o’clock at night. Like now.

The first thing I did was retweek my schedule. Oh, I am so thankful for that! Those little sticky paper notes marking my day have saved me from frustration for many, many years. We have never, ever, hit our schedule perfectly and usually end up using it as “routine”ish. But over the week, over time, we generally get it all done, even the under-the-sink-cleaning and the math lessons and the pulling weeds. I use Teri Maxwell’s Managers of Their Homes (that big scary book that took me years to buy because it looked so intense!). But, truly, line by line, it all makes sense, and I love the message board she runs with it; it is SO helpful.

It was also a blessing to relisten to Susan Bradrick’s Twenty-Four Hours is All You Get. I love what she said about “using your time wisely” being either an inspiration OR a conviction, and that how you use your time would flow from that (or not, as the case may be). I (personally, although I dislike saying “personally” but…bother…there it is) feel the weighty-ness of having such a very short time with my children before they are all off and grown. There is so much for them to learn! Oh, to make my time COUNT!

I also had to think about some discipline issues that were not going away. My older children, although not perfect, are pleasant and obedient. My younger children, however… All I could imagine was that I forgot how to raise toddlers! It felt like I had two complete sets of kids!

So I reacquainted myself with mentors that helped me along the first time, and one of those was Elizabeth from Raising Godly Tomatoes. It was so refreshing to revisit her website, and I bought one of her books (now that I had a little money to do so!).

“Tomato staking” was exactly what we needed! I didn’t need to get more firm or spank more or pile on the consequences. What I needed to do was the same thing I did when I only had two small children…keep them WITH ME.

If I’m in the kitchen, I have little shadows. If I’m changing baby’s diaper, I have little shadows. If I’m walking on my treadmill, I have little shadows sitting quietly on the couch. They are never outside the same room I am in, and because of that, I can easily praise good behavior. And, I can immediately correct bad behavior, including sour attitudes.

Mothers (and I am pointing at me, here, too!) cannot afford to be selfish. If our babies haven’t earned the trust and right to be away from us (by their obedient behavior) then I have to wonder, What are we thinking?! when we send them off “to play” while we get sucked into the computer or chip bag or whatnot?

Mothering is a FULL TIME JOB. Not correcting things on the spot means stucco-dried-on behavior problems later. It is worth my full attention now to have pleasant children (and adults!) later. And that also means that they need more “socialization” with ME, not with other children, which means I need to just let people say mean and stupid things regarding the matter.

I was so glad to remind myself of these things and to set my course aright again.

I also spent time considering chores. I don’t like the word “chores”. It sounds, well, choooorish. As in, what drudgery must I do today before I can get to what I REALLY want to do? In any case, I figure I have several options:

Do everything myself. Ship the children off to government school or pop in a looping video, don the yellow gloves and start scrubbin’! This, I admit, sounds like the best idea ever! My house would be CLEAN. At least until the bus came back.
Make the kids do it all. Too bad, so sad, get busy. While I make phone calls. Hmmm…
Do it together. This I like least of all. But it is best.

How else will my children learn to cook or clean or change sheets or do laundry? Feed the dog, take out every trash can in the house or (oh-yes) change a baby’s diaper? I left home not knowing how to do anything like that (see choice number 1), and God-bless-him my husband ate a whole lot of Hamburger Helper and bagged salad when we were first married.

But doing it together? I’m still learning how to do that. I’ve been using the “divide and conquer” method, as in: “You sweep the floor and I’ll wipe the counters.” Doing it together means, “I’ll spray and you wipe.” It’s slower. Slower means not as efficient. But doing chores together not only ties in nicely with the whole discipline thing, it gives room for (again) prompt praise and prompt correction. I expect I’m going to find a bit of, “you were doing that HOW?” once I am there overSEEing their work.

Another post, another day on how I organize our chores.

I spent some time thinking of homeschooling on my own retreat day as well. In fact, that aspect went well into the night after the kids were home and in bed. Every time I do this, I have to re-ask myself why I’m homeschooling. And after I remember all of the very right and good reasons, I then have to re-ask myself if I’m doing a good job doing it. Ugh! What mother likes that question about any part of parenting?!

So back through the books I went, perusing websites and revisiting curriculum choices. I gave a critical eye to each of my children’s notebooks to assess how they were doing, and overall, I remain very, very pleased with their progress and with their work. There is always room for improvement (and believe me I’ll stay up more evenings trying to do that!), but overall I love learning alongside them and watching their little light bulbs pop above their sweet heads.

Of course there were extra things to think about, too. Such as outside activities (are we involved with too much? not enough?) and skills the children want to learn. Who could teach us sewing? How are we managing with our animal husbandry skills and garden plans? And, why are we doing this again?! Will the Lord bring us more children? What if we (gasp!) adopted a bunch of children? Or travelled to a foreign country? Or…or…or….

And then there was Ruby to consider. Ruby is our child with Down Syndrome and is now 19 months old. She got her very first illness last month and our poor sweetheart was just so miserable, what with a plethora of teeth popping in at the same time. We are currently involved with a mentoring relationship with a neurodevelopmentalist to learn and to do all of her therapies at home. Every parent and sibling in the house works with Ruby. But still, I needed to ask questions to my yahoo group and get encouragement from other mothers who understand what a special needs child involves. And then I got online and spent a bunch of Christmas money on toys and such for her. Because I could 🙂

I wish I could say that one day of Retreat conquered every bit of mommy-inadequacy and mommy-guilt. It didn’t. But it did give me room to remember why we’re doing everything we’re doing, and to fine tune the means by which it happens, and how to make it all work with eight people living in the house all in each other’s *space* the whole day and night. In case you didn’t see it yet, in working to foster a happy home, I rediscovered and refueled to the idea that we must do things together.

And I do think families together, most truly, is best.

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